Caveat: I don’t know where all this weird stuff comes from. I go down to the computer in my underpants every morning and it just comes out. If I put my jeans on it stops coming out.
Okay here we go. People ask me how to take better pictures. I tell them: “Forget everything else in your life. Forget your wife and children and the nice house. Live in a cave if you have to but concentrate on photography”. Most people don’t do that.
So here’s the rub. Photography isn’t something you can do every now and then and become an expert. The best shooters work hard at it. They think about it most of the time, even when their wives and children are gone. They see the world through a lens. Sometimes they like what they see and sometimes they don’t but that’s how they are and they can’t help it. And even when they say they’re not doing that, that’s what they’re doing.
HOW TO TELL A GOOD PHOTOGRAPH FROM A BAD ONE
There are more bad photographs than good ones because bad photographers outnumber good ones. For every good photograph there are 5 billion bad ones. At least. Maybe more.
You learn what a good photograph looks like by looking at good photographs. If you study good photographs you can teach yourself what ‘composition’ means and why good composition is more important than anything else.
Here’s a handy rule of thumb when it comes to composition:
never use The Rule of Thirds. The Rule of Seven Sixteenths is much better.
Here another handy rule of thumb for composition: a well composed photograph of a nail is better than a badly composed photograph of Megan Gale. (Um, wait a minute …)
WHAT YOU NEED TO MAKE PICTURES
Famed wildlife photograph Hans Schmidnokker said you don’t need a great camera to be a good photographer, you need a good pair of shoes. That’s because there are no taxis in the jungle.
He was right though. You don’t need the best camera to take good photographs. A good photographer with a ho-hum camera will make better pictures than a nitwit with the world’s best camera. That’s because good photographers know what they’re doing and nitwits don’t. In the world right now there are approximately 5 billion nitwits – one for every bad photograph.
To take pictures you need a camera and somewhere to put the cheese and crackers for lunch. Avoid lunatics who rave on about ‘ethereal beauty’ and “talking to the forest” and ‘the spiritual experience of photography’ or any of that loopy shit. It doesn’t mean a thing. Photography is all about finding something worth photographing and having the camera and tripod (and cheese and crackers) to photograph it.
Here’s a handy rule of thumb when buying a camera: if you want to shoot underwater, buy a camera that keeps water out. If you want to shoot in space, buy a camera that keeps space out. They don’t make a camera that keeps crocodiles out.
You will also need a tripod. There are two types: those that crush your fingers and those that don’t. Tripods come in all shapes and sizes but most have three legs. (Two-legged tripods don’t work very well.)
There are aluminium, carbon fibre and steel tripods and all are heavy. When someone finds out how to make a solid tripod from chocolate they’ll make a fortune. And I won’t have to carry cheese and crackers everywhere.
However, none of that matters either. The most important thing about tripods is the tripod head – the thing the camera rests on. A fiddly tripod head will drive you mad so buy a ball-head that’s easy to use, light, and no bigger than a golf ball. Someone should talk to Titleist about making ball-heads.
The best tripod head in the world is from Really Right Stuff. If anyone tells you differently they’re lying. And they’re probably using one of those archaic contraptions with knobs and levers sticking out everywhere. Compared to a Really Right Stuff ball-head, anything from Manfrotto is a combine harvester. A good ball-head is a work of art you will come to love but tripods are losers and they know it. Spend more money on your ball-head than you spend on your tripod.
Here’s a handy rule of thumb about tripods: if yours bites you more than once, throw it in the ocean and buy another one.
HOW TO CHOOSE A CAMERA BAG
Galen Rowell carried his lenses around in a sock but I carry mine in stubby holders. Camera bags are a bit like tripods: some work and some don’t. I have a Tenba and a Lowepro and they’re both falling to pieces. The zips broke and I had to get them fixed. The outer pocket on the Tenba disappeared years ago so now I have nowhere to put the cheese and crackers. There might be a good brand of camera bag out there that I haven’t seen but if I haven’t seen it I don’t know if it’s any good.
If I knew how to weld I’d make my own.
Here’s a handy rule of thumb about camera bags: if it has a top and a bottom, two sides and a zip, it’s no good.
FIND OUT WHAT SHUTTER SPEEDS AND APERTURES ARE.
Shutter speeds go ‘Clack’ and apertures go ‘Click’. (I know that’s a bit technical but hang in there.)
A fast shutter speed will make water look like rock and a slow one will make it look like water. A small aperture will make it look sharp and a large one will make it look blunt. And remember: a fast shutter speed will stop a running man in his tracks but the same technique won’t necessarily work with a giraffe. And don’t try it with a pineapple.
If you take a picture of water with a slow shutter speed and a large aperture on a 400mm lens, you won’t be able to tell what it’s a picture of and that’s called ‘art’.
Here’s a handy rule of thumb when choosing a lens for water shots: never use a wide angle. There’ll be more water in the shot and the lens might get wet.
NEVER USE MOTORDRIVES
Lots of people think motordrives are cool but they aren’t. The only thing motordrives are good for is taking even more badly composed pictures of nails.
NEVER USE FAST SHUTTER SPEEDS
Never use a shutter speed faster than 1/15 of a second or the aperture will get tired and won’t work.
NEVER READ THE DESTRUCTION MANUAL
Useful information is over-rated.
NEVER USE AUTO FOCUS
Or the picture will be sharp and then it won’t be art.
ALL ABOUT PHOTOSHOP
Photoshop was created by rocket scientists who lost interest in rockets. Every year they bring out a new Photoshop and won’t sell you parts for the old one.
• Photoshop was designed for Americans who like plenty of choice. That’s why it gives you 50 ways to do the same thing and 10 of them are low in saturated fats.
• With Photoshop you can make 100 adjustments to a picture and 99 of them will be either wrong or unnecessary.
• If you stack files in layers, it looks like a little building.
• Nine times out of ten, Photoshop will make a bad picture worse.
• Photoshop can make your grandma look like Megan Gale but it’ll be the scariest thing you’ve ever seen.
• A Curves Tweak is a parrot that lives in the jungle where all those taxis aren’t. Parrots can’t use Photoshop.
• If you give a chimp Photoshop, in 1000 years he’ll still be a chimp so Photoshop can’t do everything.
• Adobe employs 5 billion people to explain Photoshop to the rest of the earth’s population.
• The best thing about Photoshop is that you can turn it off.
Great piece of writing, Barry. Thanks for the chuckle.
--P
Posted by Ed Williams on December 18, 2011 at 1:24 AM
I don't get it, just kidding. This was great! Thank you for the laughs.
Posted by David Graham on December 18, 2011 at 3:31 AM
...and thanks for making me Google Megan Gale! My cousin asked me to photograph his fiancee "... and make her look like like. Megan Gale". I figured that meant make her look really attractive. All I got was lens strain. Now I see why!
Dave Graham, East River, SD
Posted by Paul DeCesare on December 18, 2011 at 3:49 AM
What's Photoshop and who's Megan Gale?
(truth be told, I really DON'T know who Megan Gale is, lol...)
Posted by Myer Bornstein on December 18, 2011 at 5:33 AM
Posted by Lon Overacker on December 19, 2011 at 2:29 AM
Very creative Barry and a funny read. At first I was a bit put off by the Rule of Thirds rule... but then I came up with my own corollary called the Rule of Two Thirds, and so I figure I'm still ok.
Wow, are you sure "Barry" isn't an alias for Kurt (Vonnegut)? Thanks for the morning chuckle.
Posted by Joseph Jupin on December 20, 2011 at 4:29 PM
Barry.....Thank You..., I'm not laughing. I am re-focused on "photography" rather than "technology". I also feel less pressure to learn the parts of Photoshop that I have not yet attempted. I found a message of meaning and importance in your essay. Excellent!
Posted by Bill Chambers on December 24, 2011 at 1:14 PM
Discussion
13 repliesCaveat: I don’t know where all this weird stuff comes from. I go down to the computer in my underpants every morning and it just comes out. If I put my jeans on it stops coming out.
Okay here we go. People ask me how to take better pictures. I tell them: “Forget everything else in your life. Forget your wife and children and the nice house. Live in a cave if you have to but concentrate on photography”. Most people don’t do that.
So here’s the rub. Photography isn’t something you can do every now and then and become an expert. The best shooters work hard at it. They think about it most of the time, even when their wives and children are gone. They see the world through a lens. Sometimes they like what they see and sometimes they don’t but that’s how they are and they can’t help it. And even when they say they’re not doing that, that’s what they’re doing.
HOW TO TELL A GOOD PHOTOGRAPH FROM A BAD ONE
There are more bad photographs than good ones because bad photographers outnumber good ones. For every good photograph there are 5 billion bad ones. At least. Maybe more.
You learn what a good photograph looks like by looking at good photographs. If you study good photographs you can teach yourself what ‘composition’ means and why good composition is more important than anything else.
Here’s a handy rule of thumb when it comes to composition:
never use The Rule of Thirds. The Rule of Seven Sixteenths is much better.
Here another handy rule of thumb for composition: a well composed photograph of a nail is better than a badly composed photograph of Megan Gale. (Um, wait a minute …)
WHAT YOU NEED TO MAKE PICTURES
Famed wildlife photograph Hans Schmidnokker said you don’t need a great camera to be a good photographer, you need a good pair of shoes. That’s because there are no taxis in the jungle.
He was right though. You don’t need the best camera to take good photographs. A good photographer with a ho-hum camera will make better pictures than a nitwit with the world’s best camera. That’s because good photographers know what they’re doing and nitwits don’t. In the world right now there are approximately 5 billion nitwits – one for every bad photograph.
To take pictures you need a camera and somewhere to put the cheese and crackers for lunch. Avoid lunatics who rave on about ‘ethereal beauty’ and “talking to the forest” and ‘the spiritual experience of photography’ or any of that loopy shit. It doesn’t mean a thing. Photography is all about finding something worth photographing and having the camera and tripod (and cheese and crackers) to photograph it.
Here’s a handy rule of thumb when buying a camera: if you want to shoot underwater, buy a camera that keeps water out. If you want to shoot in space, buy a camera that keeps space out. They don’t make a camera that keeps crocodiles out.
You will also need a tripod. There are two types: those that crush your fingers and those that don’t. Tripods come in all shapes and sizes but most have three legs. (Two-legged tripods don’t work very well.)
There are aluminium, carbon fibre and steel tripods and all are heavy. When someone finds out how to make a solid tripod from chocolate they’ll make a fortune. And I won’t have to carry cheese and crackers everywhere.
However, none of that matters either. The most important thing about tripods is the tripod head – the thing the camera rests on. A fiddly tripod head will drive you mad so buy a ball-head that’s easy to use, light, and no bigger than a golf ball. Someone should talk to Titleist about making ball-heads.
The best tripod head in the world is from Really Right Stuff. If anyone tells you differently they’re lying. And they’re probably using one of those archaic contraptions with knobs and levers sticking out everywhere. Compared to a Really Right Stuff ball-head, anything from Manfrotto is a combine harvester. A good ball-head is a work of art you will come to love but tripods are losers and they know it. Spend more money on your ball-head than you spend on your tripod.
Here’s a handy rule of thumb about tripods: if yours bites you more than once, throw it in the ocean and buy another one.
HOW TO CHOOSE A CAMERA BAG
Galen Rowell carried his lenses around in a sock but I carry mine in stubby holders. Camera bags are a bit like tripods: some work and some don’t. I have a Tenba and a Lowepro and they’re both falling to pieces. The zips broke and I had to get them fixed. The outer pocket on the Tenba disappeared years ago so now I have nowhere to put the cheese and crackers. There might be a good brand of camera bag out there that I haven’t seen but if I haven’t seen it I don’t know if it’s any good.
If I knew how to weld I’d make my own.
Here’s a handy rule of thumb about camera bags: if it has a top and a bottom, two sides and a zip, it’s no good.
FIND OUT WHAT SHUTTER SPEEDS AND APERTURES ARE.
Shutter speeds go ‘Clack’ and apertures go ‘Click’. (I know that’s a bit technical but hang in there.)
A fast shutter speed will make water look like rock and a slow one will make it look like water. A small aperture will make it look sharp and a large one will make it look blunt. And remember: a fast shutter speed will stop a running man in his tracks but the same technique won’t necessarily work with a giraffe. And don’t try it with a pineapple.
If you take a picture of water with a slow shutter speed and a large aperture on a 400mm lens, you won’t be able to tell what it’s a picture of and that’s called ‘art’.
Here’s a handy rule of thumb when choosing a lens for water shots: never use a wide angle. There’ll be more water in the shot and the lens might get wet.
NEVER USE MOTORDRIVES
Lots of people think motordrives are cool but they aren’t. The only thing motordrives are good for is taking even more badly composed pictures of nails.
NEVER USE FAST SHUTTER SPEEDS
Never use a shutter speed faster than 1/15 of a second or the aperture will get tired and won’t work.
NEVER READ THE DESTRUCTION MANUAL
Useful information is over-rated.
NEVER USE AUTO FOCUS
Or the picture will be sharp and then it won’t be art.
ALL ABOUT PHOTOSHOP
Photoshop was created by rocket scientists who lost interest in rockets. Every year they bring out a new Photoshop and won’t sell you parts for the old one.
• Photoshop was designed for Americans who like plenty of choice. That’s why it gives you 50 ways to do the same thing and 10 of them are low in saturated fats.
• With Photoshop you can make 100 adjustments to a picture and 99 of them will be either wrong or unnecessary.
• If you stack files in layers, it looks like a little building.
• Nine times out of ten, Photoshop will make a bad picture worse.
• Photoshop can make your grandma look like Megan Gale but it’ll be the scariest thing you’ve ever seen.
• A Curves Tweak is a parrot that lives in the jungle where all those taxis aren’t. Parrots can’t use Photoshop.
• If you give a chimp Photoshop, in 1000 years he’ll still be a chimp so Photoshop can’t do everything.
• Adobe employs 5 billion people to explain Photoshop to the rest of the earth’s population.
• The best thing about Photoshop is that you can turn it off.
The End
--P
Dave Graham, East River, SD
(truth be told, I really DON'T know who Megan Gale is, lol...)
Thanks for the laugh..
Sandy
Lon